Yes I Do
by Xionin
Summary: [B/S] Buffy POV. Companion to 'No You Don't'. What if she'd told him those three words during 'First Date'?


**Title**: Yes. I do.  
**Author**: Xionin  
**Rating**: R for language  
**Pairing**: Buffy/Spike.  
**Feedback**: Pretty please?  
**Disclaimer**: ME dropped the ball. I picked it up.  
**Distribution:** Spread the love, just tell me where.  
**Summary**: Companion to No. You Don't. Buffy POV. What if Buffy had chosen 'First Date' to tell him? Contains dialogue from 'First Date'.   
**Author's Note:** I had a few requests to write a sequel to 'No. You don't' and I thought about it and caved in. It's a happy ending for those of you that don't dig the angst. If you like angst, don't read this. ;^]

Yes. I do.

Why won't he look at her?  
He never had a problem with it before.

**God, Buffy. Vain much?  
This isn't about me, this is about what deep shit we're all in.**

She looks up at him as he talks.  
She's not really listening to what he's saying,  
but does manage to respond appropriately.

She's thinking about things that have no place  
during war. About 'them' and their fucked up history.

About her 'date' with Robin Wood which meant a hell  
of a lot less than it should have.

He is kinda hot, which is why she thought maybe it would help.  
He seemed really into her, especially with their strange slayer-line connection.

And there were definitely some sparks, but then Spike appeared at her side and everything...dissolved.

No more sparkage.  
Robin who?

For a split second she had managed to look and sound annoyed.  
It's a game they play which she's always on the verge of losing.  
She had looked up at him, prepared to play, when the world stopped.

Just stopped.

And there was only him. His eyes. His face.  
And he was _there_ with her. _In_ her and she could feel him.

Caught off guard like that, it shows.  
Caught off guard, she forgets that she isn't supposed  
to look at him that way. That she isn't supposed to feel  
the pull in every cell of her body.

That, when he drops the mask-  
doesn't matter which one he's wearing for the rest of them:  
indifference, disgust, anger-  
when he shows her his _true_ self, she isn't supposed to  
want him so goddamned much.

Surely Robin saw it, although she thinks she hid it well.  
And she doesn't even know what 'it' is.

**The hell I don't.  
**

And then the work began; rescuing Xander.  
Spike fighting by her side, watching her back, saving her friend.  
As always.

So strong. So fierce. So loyal.

She used to love to watch him fight.  
She used to love...dancing...with him.  
He was so _graceful_. How strange is it to think  
of a man as graceful, but he is.

Like a silver panther gliding through the moonlit night.  
Dangerous and deceptively quiet.

He's quiet most of the time now, watching her in silence.  
She sometimes wants to talk with him. Just...talk.

Go out on the steps and watch the night pass bay, the way they'd done  
so many times before. She can close her eyes right now and just listen to  
the warm chocolate tones of his voice and picture the lips moving.  
She can picture the smile in his eyes; the lust and desire that he doesn't show her anymore.

**Is it still even really there?**

God! She misses him in so many ways that it's a throbbing, numbing hurt.  
An ache that goes right down to her core.  
Oh, his touch! His taste!

She _really_ should be listening to the words, not picturing his mouth over hers  
or his hands on her flesh. His love in her heart. They're alone for the first time in forever  
and he's so close. So, so close. She could just reach out and...

**But this is, like, the worst time ever to...  
Wait - did he just say...Leaving?**

"No, you have to stay." **Please, don't go.**

"You've got another demon fighter now."

"That's not why I need you here." ** I need you, I need _you_!**

"Is that right? Why's that then?" **Because you're the only thing right in my world and if you go, I won't have an anchor. I'l just be floating in the midst of all of this evil and fucking death. Fucking death everywhere, and at my hands! My gift.**

"'Cause I'm not ready for you to not be here." **I'm not ready now, and I'm afraid I never will be. I'm afraid I'll stop breathing without you here to watch me breathe. I'm afraid I- I'm...I'm afraid!**

"And the Principal? How's he fit in?"

She just looks at him. How does she respond to that?  
The principal?

**What would he have to do with anything, with us? Why would you even ask-**

"I can't do this anymore, Buffy." He sighs. 

She doesn't need to ask, but she does anyway. She knows perfectly well what he means.  
He can't stand to be around her anymore, and she can't blame him. She makes her own self sick.

"What. Can't do what." She can't find the energy to phrase it as a question.  
The men in her life, they all get it eventually. She's damaged. A broken toy.

"This." He turns to her finally and she feels herself stiffen.  
"You."

Something inside her breaks. It was never this hard. Never this painful.  
That doesn't even cover it, pain, it's a stabbing wound in the center of her chest  
that creates an instant black hole. She can _feel _the life being sucked out of her.

Leaving.  
Like they all do.  
Alone.  
All she'll ever be.

The tears come because it's all she has left. She doesn't have the words to make him stay.  
All she can say is-

"Please, Spike." Her voice sounds so thin, even to her, devoid of any emotion. Where is her soul? Still trapped in that coffin?  
"_Please."_

He frowns. Wouldn't you? **Please 'what', Buffy you fucking idiot. Please? You expect him to stay near you because you say 'please'? You give him nothing. Withhold everything, and 'please'?**

**Please.**

"What do you want from me, Buffy? I've given you everything that I have; everything. There is no more." There is defeat in his voice that makes her insides churn. She feels her heart explode into dust. She's done this to him; broken him. Turned him into a shell of himself; a shadow, but filled with a glorious light. The spark he won for her. 

"That's all I want." Where is her fucking voice? **Tell him!**

He's angry. The muscles in his jaw clench with tension. He turns his back to her and she can feel him pulling away already; spirit already out the door so she moves closer. Her hand rests in the small of his back with the lightest of touches. He leans into her ever-so-briefly. It's a straw and she grasps. Grasps and misses as he bolts to his feet.

"Spike-"

"No."

**No no no no no! You cannot go. You can't!**

"Please, I-" her voice is failing her. **Talk goddamnit!**

He spins around and faces at her and she's crying.  
The tears are falling like anvils from her cheeks to the carpet and drag her tongue down with them.

"I need you." She can barely hear herself. **Don't you understand, you stupid bitch, he's leaving you! You're just letting him go! Tell him!**

"W-what?" Oh thank God, he heard her. But she panics. God. Where are the words? The confession? The fucking truth?

**I need you with me. Hold me, give me strength. Love me, let me love you. Let me give you what's left of me. Take it while there's still time, while we still have time.**

"I-I need you." **Don't you understand what I'm saying, you moron? You were always so good at reading me; reading between the lines. Read me now! Have I ruined it all? Are your eyes so clear that you don't see me anymore, Spike? I need you to see me. See me! Let me see myself through your eyes.**

Spike straightens up and looks down at her. God, he is so fucking beautiful it she wants to cry. But she's already crying and he's still leaving. Something flashes across his face; a memory perhaps and she's thrown back in time. She remembers kissing him under the stairs at the Bronze. She felt everything in that: his love for her, his passion, his devotion and she'd swallowed it all. Drank it down and let it sustain her. Sucked him dry and then threw away the carton. And she knows that he remembers everything too. The insults, the bruises. The lies.

"Why did you come to the cave, Buffy?" His voice is low, so low that she almost doesn't catch it.

"What?"

"The cave. You came to rescue me. Why?" He looks her straight in the eye and it unnerves her. He's never had that look before. He's so far away it frightens her. She gives him the most obvious reason, since he refuses to assume anything more.

"You were in trouble."

"That's not why." He narrows his eyes at her and she thinks that maybe he sees it. Sees her. And that, maybe, she won't have to say 'it'. He'll say it for her and then she won't deny it and it'll be over. Things will be good. She tries to make light of the question.

"Y-you would have rather stayed there?"

"No I just wan' to know why, when you could 'ave had one less _ass_ to protect, you came for me." He's not giving it to her this time. This time she'll have to work and figuring out her own mind.

"I-I..."** Because I- I need you. I need you whole and alive and here with me.**

"Why?" 

"Look, I'm tired...let's talk about this tom-"

"Why!" His nostrils flare and her mouth snaps closed. He is pushing her, for what, an answer to an unanswerable question? Is this...is this an ultimatum? Her voice finds its strength.

"Spike...I don't know what you want to hear. I couldn't leave you there, not now; not after everything."

"Why." His voice is barely above a whisper. She doesn't have an answer that she can give him yet. He knows it. She'd done it because what else could she do? There was no hidden meaning. She couldn't stand to lose him. That's all. So why can she say just that?

Maybe because she knows it isn't enough to keep him there.  
She can't think of one _good _reason for him to stay.  
"Needing" him isn't enough of a reason if he's only there because she's too much of a coward to be with him and too selfish to be without him

"I'm leavin' Buffy." He turns towards the door.

"Please don't." She's on her feet before she even thinks to be.

"I-I 'ave to." He turns back and looks into her eyes and...

**Oh God.**

**I love you, that's why.**

"Please...don't go." Tears are dancing in her wide eyes and she hopes, _prays_, that he can see the truth in them.

"I'm sorry, luv. Truly."

**I'm sorry too, Spike. I'm sorry that I haven't had the guts to tell myself the truth. That it's taken this to bring me to my senses, but you can't leave me. Not now, not ever because I can't live without you.**

He turns away and takes two steps.

"I love you."

There. She said it. Now he'll understand.

He stops and she swears she hears his heart pounding in her head, but it's only hers. Buffy stands perfectly still and watches his shoulders rise and fall as he struggles with the emotions inside him. She blinks away a few tears and purses her lips into a thin line.

**Please...just look at me. Touch me. Hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright now. **

With his back to her, Spike raises his eyes to the ceiling. She wants to move to him, but she knows that he has to take the first step. She swallows the lump in her throat and takes in a silent breath. It gets knocked out of her as she watches him take the third step to the door.

"Spike? Did you hear me?"

He stops. He heard her. But he isn't going to turn around. The words are out there, but they don't matter anymore. They're just words. Why should he believe them?

Buffy steps up to him so closely that she can feel the movement of his muscles through the back of his jacket. The fight to control the urge to grab him and make him face her causes her to tremble, but when she tries to slip her hand in his, he evades her.

"Did you hear me?" She whispers a little louder.   
"I said...I love you."

For a moment, she thinks he does hear her; really hear her. He'll turn and take her face in his hands, telling her how much he loves her and how long he's waited to hear her say those words. He'll kiss her gently and then more demandingly and she'll be lost in his arms and in his unfathomably blue eyes and the love and...

"No. You don't." He steps through the archway and her dream falls broken to the floor. He opens the front door and she gasps.  
"But thanks for saying it."

He walks out the door and out of her life.

At first, she is too stunned to move. The pain of what just happened is a pair of sharpened claws inside of her, ripping her to shreds. As the milliseconds tick by she tries to remember how to take a breath and fails.

**Spike.**

Had he just walked out the door?

**Spike...**

He was just here a moment ago, where did he...

**Spike!**

**He's...gone. He's gone! Spike! SPIKE!!!**

Her feet start to move to the door and through it.

"Spike!" She is running after him. She sees his platinum hair just ahead, he's not stopping but he's not speeding up either.  
"Spike! Please! Stop!"

He does, but he doesn't turn around. She stops two feet behind and resists the urge to touch him.

"What do you want..._Slayer_." His tone slices through her, but she doesn't flinch.

"Look at me. Please." He doesn't move. "Please, Spike, just-" She sighs, burying her face in her hands and shaking her head.

He turns around slowly. She doesn't see it, but she feels his gaze on the top of her head. She puts her hands down and looks up at him. The raw emotions distort his angelic features. She is overwhelmed with the desire to smooth the tears away from his cheeks and kiss his soft lips; hold him to her and say she's sorry for everything. But he needs more. He's told her everything; given her...everything. He needs the same from her and deserves no less.

"I remember the first time I realized I was in love with you." Her voice wavers. She watches him fight the softening in his eyes. He wants to remain hard, indifferent; untouchable. She has to look away.

"It wasn't that long ago." She continues softly. "We were...patrolling...with the gir - some of the girls. You were still injured from..." She glances up into his eyes. No need to continue the thought, he remembers all too well the handiwork of the First during his capture. "We were giving them a-a demonstration and you were hurting. Still. I didn't know. You..." She smiles at him briefly. "You didn't tell me. Why?"

He shrugs and looks away, not wanting her to see how this moment is affecting him.

"You wouldn't let me...touch you. You...you took my hand." She smiles again at the memory. "It was the...most kind...we'd ever been with each other." She looks into his eyes again and fresh tears are falling. She steps close enough to reach her hand up and touch his cheek. He doesn't move away so she wipes the tears away with her thumb. His eyes close briefly as he softly inhales and then exhales, and when he opens them again she sees it: He _believes_.

"Tonight, when we were at the seal...fighting together... It felt so _right_, y'know? Working together against...everything. Something clicked with us, Spike. Something..." she searches for the right words. "-fell into place. I knew then again what I'd known before...and what I know now."

"And what's that, luv." His voice is heavy with emotion as he brings his hand up to brush her hair out of her eyes and dry her wet cheeks. "That you love me?"

She smiles and places both hands on his face, pulling his head down for a soft kiss. When it ends, she looks into his eyes and falls again.

"Yes. I do."  


-fin-

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